Heartache Read online

  “What happened? What did the last email say?” Bianca asked, bringing me back to the present.

  I looked at her and I hesitated. She was sitting on the couch looking harmless with her legs tucked underneath her and her eyes wide and I hesitated.

  Because of the look she gave me, I knew she wanted to say something, but she was restraining herself. Chewing on the corner of her lip nervously, I knew that she knew that whatever I was about to say was not good. My eyes fixated on her mouth as I tried to gather my alcohol infused thoughts.

  “She mentioned something, someone that no one from my life now could possibly know about.”

  Her eyebrows came together in confusion. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, the person emailing me is fucking with me and I need to figure out who it is. Now!”

  Getting up from the couch, Bianca walked around the coffee table. “So do you still think it’s Hannah? And if so, why did you think it was Grace? I’m still confused, Ro.”

  So am I.

  “I have to figure out who it is. Not just that, I have to figure out who it is and what they know. I’ve spent the last eight years trying to put my life back together and move forward. I won’t have that destroyed now.”

  Putting her cold hands on the side of my face, she lightly scratched at my beard. “We will figure it out. Together. I have your back. I just need you to trust me and open up to me. You scared me the other night and I don’t want to lose you, but I would rather walk away than stand by and watch you hurt yourself or allow someone else to hurt you.”

  “I’m not going to hurt myself. I swear on everything I love that I’m not suicidal.” Pulling her into a tight hug, I reassured her. “And I don’t think the person emailing me is trying to physically harm me. I just don’t know what they want.”

  I didn’t know if it was the alcohol or the emotionally charged conversation, but the hug lasted longer than necessary. I ran my hands slowly up and down her back, digging my fingers into her flesh. I inhaled her hair, letting the vanilla and coconut scent invade my nostrils. I felt her heart beating through her chest and it seemed to be racing. Something felt different between us.

  Let her go. Let her go, I repeated to myself as I gripped her tighter. Her soft sigh egged me on. Let her go.

  “Well, let’s start there.” She withdrew from me so she could grab my hand. Pulling me to the couch, we sat down together. “What did the email say?”

  Taking my phone out of my pocket, I pulled up my email account. Noticing I had a new email from the creeper, I skipped over the newest one to show Bianca the conversation from Saturday night.

  “She’s a lunatic,” she mumbled as she read. When she finished, she asked cautiously, “Who’s Tia?”

  Hearing her name roll off of Bianca’s lips felt wrong. I took in a sharp breath. “That’s my point. There would be no one on the list that would know about her.”

  Bianca shifted away from me slightly as she started chewing her lip again. “Is Tia your wife? Girlfriend? A one-night-stand gone wrong? Who is she?”

  “Ex-girlfriend.”

  “Ah,” she nodded knowingly, a look of relief coming over her face. “Okay, that’s a start. Is she the one that got away?”

  I didn’t respond.

  “Okay so Hannah fits the bill as the one behind the messages because she’s very…” She made a face. “Forward. But why did you think it was Grace? She seemed normal.”

  “When Easy told me he saw you two together, he mentioned the way she looked. And…” I trailed off, unsure of how to continue.

  “Say no more.” Bianca held up her hand as if to stop me. “I can only imagine what Easy had to say. She and her girlfriend are both beautiful women. But, since they are lesbians who are totally in love with one another, we can pretty safely say that they did not send the messages. So let’s mark them off of the list. Where is the list?”

  Making our way upstairs, I went into my office/studio while pointing to the bedroom. “It’s on the dresser.”

  Sitting down at the computer, I quickly logged into my email account while Bianca was looking for the notebook. Even though I’d already mentioned Tia to Bianca, I needed to preview the email before I could let Bianca see it. There was no telling what the email would say about my past. I glanced over my shoulder before double clicking the email that had come through within the last hour.

  *****

  To: Roman

  From: xoxoMExoxo

  Roman

  I knew that when I revealed how much I knew about you, you’d need some time, but I thought I would’ve heard from you by now. I knew that bringing up Tia would be a lot for you to handle, but you can’t tell me you’re not curious about me. You know you want to know more. Now do you believe that I know you?

  I promise you I’m not trying to be creepy. I reread our emails and I know that’s what you think. But you have to understand that this is the most we’ve ever talked. I wanted to tell you after the first email. I planned to tell you after the first email, but my heart skips a beat knowing that you’re thinking about me. I just needed to ride this high for as long as I could. I promise I’ll tell you who I am soon. Sooner than you think.

  Me

  *****

  “It was definitely under your comforter,” Bianca said right before she walked through the door.

  Minimizing the internet browser window, I swiveled the chair around and pulled a stool beside me. She sat down on it and immediately scratched off Grace and Renee from the list.

  “So we’re back to Hannah?” Bianca asked, tapping the pen against the notebook in her lap. “Because you never ruled her out, right?”

  “Right.” Turning the chair back around to face the computer screen, I maximized the email screen so she could see it. “And I just got another email.”

  I looked up and watched Bianca’s face as she read. Her eyes shifted from left to right. Her nose crinkled and she frowned. I couldn’t help but smile as I watched the expressiveness of her face.

  “It’s Allie,” Bianca stated definitively.

  “How are you so sure?”

  “Well, hear me out.” She shifted on the stool, crossing her legs in front of me. “You said that you two had a civil ending to your arrangement and then you didn’t see her or talk to her for three weeks. Then when I dragged you to pick up sandwiches for lunch that day, she was in there acting crazy. She was yelling, making a scene, trying to fight me. Craziness. And then, weeks later, she shows up at your event and at your house for a party that she was not invited to!”

  I nodded, amused at her spitfire delivery. “You’re right.”

  Bianca looked horrified. “Why are you smiling?”

  “Because you’re funny.” Running my hands down my face a couple of times, I sighed. “But this situation is not. Yeah, you’re right. It could be Allie. It could be Hannah. That’s the problem, it could be anyone on this list.”

  “But those two are the most likely candidates.”

  “Definitely. Monroe runs her mouth entirely too much and she’s always trying to be in my business. She couldn’t keep this kind of secret so it’s probably not her.”

  “Meredith?”

  “Meredith is too shy. She’s so quiet and nervous all of the time.” I shook my head. “You read the stuff that was written. I could not see that coming out of Meredith’s mouth. It’s probably not her.”

  “Charlotte?”

  We looked at each other and simultaneously said, “No.” Then we laughed loudly.

  Laughing felt good. I hadn’t done it in a while and no one made me laugh like Bianca did.

  We went through the last few names, scratching off Hannah’s friends.

  “That’s it. That really just leaves Hannah and Allie,” I concluded, leaving the computer chair and getting to my feet.

  Still seated, Bianca’s head dropped all the way back so she could maintain eye contact. “So how are we going to catch them and tell them to stop?”

  I helpe
d her up from the stool and pulled her across the hall into my bedroom. “I’m just going to confront them. See what they know and then end it.”

  “Do it in a public place. I don’t know this Hannah chick, but I know Allie is confrontational,” she warned, dropping the notebook on the nightstand.

  “Definitely. I don’t want any problems.” I laid down across my bed, stretching out. Even though it seemed as though the conversation was over, my gut told me otherwise.

  “Ro?” She stood by the edge of the bed and she looked contemplative.

  My stomach churned. A contemplative and inquisitive friend was dangerous since I’d been drinking and I had some secrets I wanted to stay buried. I swallowed thickly. “Yeah?”

  “It’s about Tia.”

  I tried to keep my face expressionless. “What about her?”

  “Why does it matter if they know about her? Everyone has a past.”

  My heart beat loudly in the quiet room. “But there would be no way that any of the people on the list would know anything about my past. That’s what’s concerning about it. How are they getting that information about me?”

  Bianca was quiet for a moment. “Are you sure that’s it?”

  Before I could answer, a hard banging against the front door startled us both. I sat up and listened more intently. A second round of wood rattling knocks vibrated through the house. Grabbing the baseball bat from under my bed, I looked at Bianca.

  “Stay here,” I demanded.

  “But—” Bianca started.

  “Stay here,” I repeated firmly before making my way out of the room and down the stairs.

  I waited before I approached the front door. It was silent downstairs. The lights from the living room were the only lights on and it casted a glow into the hallway. Moving stealthily to the door, I peeked out of the peephole.

  What the hell?

  No one was there. No car parked out front. No one and nothing was in the yard to explain the knocking.

  I’m not that drunk. Something had to cause the knocking, I thought, gripping my bat tighter. Maybe some kid from the neighborhood.

  Opening the door slowly, I looked around, not seeing anyone. Right before I was about to close and lock the door, I noticed a box sitting on the porch.

  Poking at the box with the bat, I heard a rattling noise. Before bending down to pick up the box, I looked to the street and swept my eyes over the neighborhood again. Using all of my senses, I tried to take everything in: the two people riding their bikes from the park, the dog barking up the street, the smell of wood burning. But I didn’t see anything to indicate that anyone was around.

  Using the bat, I lifted the edge of the box. Feeling fairly secure that it wasn’t a bomb, I picked it up and brought it into the house. As soon as the door was closed and locked behind me, I put the bat in the corner near the door.

  “B!” I called up to her as I carried the box into the kitchen. “Come down!”

  I heard her footsteps as she clamored down the stairs loudly. “Who the hell was that?”

  I didn’t respond as I slipped out a yellow piece of paper folded under the bow on top of the box.

  *****

  Roman

  I came by to give you this gift and to finally tell you who I am.

  But I saw that you had company.

  I thought after Tia you didn’t do girlfriends.

  I’m starting to think that there’s something going on with you and your “friend.”

  I’ll be in touch.

  Me

  *****

  The words were scribbled in messy handwriting. I kept willing the handwriting to look familiar, but it didn’t.

  “Ro, what is it?” Bianca asked as she reached for the slip of paper.

  I looked at her and debated whether or not to show it to her. The tone of the message wasn’t flirtatious like it had been. It was almost accusatory and maybe even a little hostile.

  Or am I reading too much into this? I questioned myself silently as I let Bianca take the paper out of my hand. Maybe I shouldn’t have had that last beer.

  With her eyes firmly planted on the paper in her hand, Bianca whispered, “Do you think this is anything for us to be worried about?”

  I wanted to reassure her, but I didn’t even know who was behind the messages. I cupped her face with my hands and stared into her eyes. I’d only seen that big, scared, doe eyed look on her face one time before. Knowing I’d caused it both times tore me up inside.

  “B,” I whispered, bringing my face inches from hers. “I honestly don’t know. But what I do know is that I won’t let anything happen to you. I don’t care who it is—this lunatic, your parents, fucking Ashton.”

  She rolled her eyes and a smile played at her lips. “Ro…”

  “I’m serious, B. No matter what’s going on and no matter who I have to handle, I’ll do it. Because I won’t let anything happen to you,” I continued in a hushed tone. “I swear.”

  She licked her lips. My eyes followed her tongue before meeting her eyes again.

  The urge to kiss her overwhelmed me. Letting her face go, I took a step back abruptly, breaking whatever energy had generated between us. Bianca’s face looked flushed as she turned her body toward the box on the counter.

  What the hell was that? I wondered as I thought guiltily about how I’d fantasized about her a few days ago. Whatever that was can’t happen again.

  I closed my eyes and stroked my beard a few times, hoping to clear my head. Bianca was one of the few people I could completely be myself with and she was one of a handful of people I actually enjoyed talking to. I did not want to jeopardize our friendship for a kiss, a fuck, a…

  Relationship?

  Shaking my head, I concluded that I was just horny.

  This is what happens when you don’t have sex for months. It’s nothing. Even if I wanted there to be something—which I don’t—my past is too complicated, too messy, too fucked up.

  Clearing my throat, I put my hands on the top of the box. “You ready?”

  “Ready.”

  I opened the shoe box sized box and pulled out a mini mp3 player.

  “That’s all that’s in there?” Bianca wondered, turning the box upside down and shaking it.

  “I guess so,” I answered, studying the mp3 player in my hand. “I mentioned the other day that I am into music and she claimed to already know that about me. Let’s find out what’s loaded up on this.”

  Running upstairs, Bianca and I kicked off our shoes as we entered my bedroom. The soft glow of the bedside lamp gave the room a sexy candle lit vibe that I was not going for. I turned on the tall lamp in the corner, giving the room more light. Grabbing my earbuds off of the nightstand, I put one in my ear and one in hers after we got settled on the bed.

  “Here we go,” I muttered, lying back onto the pillow.

  Taking her earbud out, Bianca leaned over me in order to grab the notebook off of the nightstand. The sweet vanilla scent of her perfume mixed with the coconut oil in her hair and it smelled delicious. I noticed, and then my dick noticed. Her arm grazed mine as she settled back against the pillow and put the earbud in her ear. Even after we were no longer touching, I could still feel how incredibly soft and smooth her skin was when it slid across mine. My dick noticed that too.

  Fuck.

  Glancing at Bianca, she had her eyes closed. I needed to do something because if she accidentally brushed up against me one more time, I might not be able to hide the bulge developing in my jeans. Closing my eyes, I tried to shake off the desire that curled deep in my gut.

  Basketball. Basketball, I chanted silently as my body cooled down. March Madness. My bracket busted. I guess I won’t win the—

  “…play?” Bianca’s last word interrupted my thoughts.

  My eyes flew open. “What?”

  “I said, can I ask you something before you hit play?”

  I turned on my side so that we were facing each other. Propping my head up with my hand,
I stared at her. “Shoot.”

  “Why do you think this is happening?”

  “I don’t know.” I shook my head. “I guess they saw an opening and took it.”

  “I’ve seen the way women react to you. I know you’ve unintentionally broken a few hearts. You think it could be a woman from your past?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “I think we’re missing something. I don’t know what, but we are missing something.”

  Turning onto my back, I rested my head against the pillows again. “Maybe something on this will give us a clue,” I concluded, hitting play on the mp3 player.

  The first song was classical and I had no clue what song it was or who it was by.

  “What is this?” I mumbled under my breath.

  I looked over at Bianca. Her eyes were closed as if she were in the zone. I took that moment to study her, letting my eyes rake over her entire body from head to toe. Her chest rose and fell steadily with each breath. Her nipples were hard and clearly visible through her white t-shirt. Her hands were intertwined and resting on her belly. Her hips flared out, emphasized even more by the tight leggings she wore. Her manicured toes kept time with the beat of the music. Moving my eyes back up to her face, my stomach plummeted.

  She was looking dead at me.

  I didn’t know how long she saw me eyeing her, but I knew I was caught. I froze.

  If she makes a joke, we’re good, I reminded myself, thinking back to all of our flirtatious quips.

  She licked her lips, but she didn’t say anything.

  Shit.

  I cleared my throat. “Do you know this song?”

  “I know I’ve heard it. I can’t think of the name of it.” The song ended and she hit pause. Writing in the notebook, she added, “Honestly, I don’t know if I ever knew the name of it. But I know it was either in The Nutcracker or Swan Lake. I saw The Nutcracker in December and Swan Lake in January, but I don’t know which one it could be from.” She paused and looked at me. “Or maybe it’s from a commercial.”

  I laughed. “Sounds about right.”