After The One (The One Series Duet) Page 13

  I couldn’t even finish the sentence as my chest felt like it would cave in.

  He thought I didn’t want the baby? Our baby? He thought I wanted—

  My heart shattered and I choked on the shards of the realization of what he thought I wanted in regards to our child. I blinked back tears. “What…?” My mouth was agape as the word just hung softly between us.

  “Your pregnancy was a surprise to both of us and I know it wasn’t in your grand plan. When I asked you if you wanted this, you said that you did, but just not right now. Where do you think my mind is going to go? What am I supposed to do with that?”

  “Oh God no,” I gasped, putting my free hand over my mouth. I moved closer to him, sitting in the space between his legs and wrapping my legs around his waist.

  Staring into each other’s eyes only intensified the moment and I felt everything he felt. It broke my heart that he had spent hours thinking I was having second thoughts about having his child and was considering not carrying our child to term.

  His body was rigid as he silently chewed his bottom lip. I could feel the anxiety radiating off of him. “I don’t know where you are or what’s going on in that head of yours. But I know I can’t lose…”

  I lifted my hands and placed them on his bare chest. The warmth of his skin against mine conflicted with his cool, guarded demeanor. Underneath the tight pectoral muscles, I could feel his heart beating faster than normal against the palm of my hand.

  “I’m so sorry I left you with that impression. I’m sorry you thought that was what I was saying. That is so far away from what I meant. We are having this baby. Julian, God…” Rasping over each syllable, I struggled to get the words out before the sob I kept pushing down fought its way back up. “I love this baby, our baby. I love you. I love that we created life together. I love the idea of this child being the product of me and you. I would never do anything to jeopardize that.”

  Julian wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to him. His forehead rested against mine and his warm breath tickled my face. He was silent, but I could almost hear the relief in each intake of air.

  I put my arms around his neck and separated our faces fractionally. “For the last three weeks, our family is primarily all I’ve thought about,” I started.

  I opened my mouth to continue, but he responded.

  “Which is why I’m confused. Before our friends came you were all about our family and then the moment they leave, you say you need to figure out what you want.”

  His voice wasn’t harsh, but it was exasperated. He didn’t yell at me, but he was louder than the whisper we had been using. It was blatantly clear that he wasn’t angry; he was hurt.

  “Listen to me,” I pleaded with him. My heart pounded in my chest and I felt this out of control feeling swirling inside of me. “Listen. I don’t need to figure out what I want. I want you. I want us. I want our baby to be happy and healthy. I want to grow old with you. But…”

  I saw the shift in his face and I held on to him tighter. Hearing the word ‘but’ had instantly made him tense.

  “But,” I continued, locking my legs in place. “I also want my career.”

  Julian looked at me blankly for at least thirty seconds. “Okay…?”

  I lifted my eyebrows. “That’s all I was trying to say. I want to be a wife, a mother, and an attorney.”

  “Yeah…?” His shoulders slumped as if he were trying to process what was going on. I knew his eyebrows had furrowed in apparent confusion because I could make out the crease between them. “Why wouldn’t you have your career? I don’t…what?”

  “You’ve made comments about me not having to work over the last couple of weeks, but last night you told me about Italy—and it sounds amazing, but since I took this three week period off originally just to spend quality time with you, I don’t have any more vacation time. When I said that, you said it didn’t matter.”

  Julian still looked at me blankly.

  He doesn’t get it.

  “Julian, it does matter! My career matters. I can’t just go to Italy for two weeks, and when I told you that, you kind of shrugged it off like it didn’t matter—like my career didn’t matter.”

  “That wasn’t how I meant it at all.” He shook his head. “But your firm doesn’t appreciate you and all that you do. If you were to leave, you wouldn’t have to worry about money or anything. I’ll take care of you and you would be fine until you found something else.”

  I let my hands slip from around his neck and I unlocked my legs from behind his back. I crawled to the edge of the bed and turned on the bedside lamp. Kicking my feet off the side of the bed, I spun around and stared at him.

  Maybe with the lights on he’ll be able to understand what it is I’m saying.

  He squinted against the light and dropped his head down. After a few seconds, he brought his eyes back to me. His gaze lingered on my exposed thighs in the short shorts.

  Because of my frustration, I was only momentarily distracted by his shirtless state.

  “Julian, that’s what the issue is for me. I appreciate the sentiment. I do. But you saying that proves my exact point. Leaving the firm so I can extend my three week vacation to five weeks is not a good look. Regardless of whether I have to worry about money, I love being a lawyer. I love the work that I do. So when you make it seem like it’s nothing to just not work, it makes me feel like you don’t think what I do is important. Do you understand where I’m coming from?”

  He scrubbed his face with his hands and made a noise in the back of his throat. “Zoe, you’re killing me here.” He propped himself up on his knees and looked at me with the most sincere look in his eyes. “What you do is important. I am your biggest supporter. I know what you put into everything you do so I’m not dismissing that, but there are going to be things you will have to take time off for. You’re going to miss work.” He shrugged. “That doesn’t take anything away from the importance of what you do.”

  I couldn’t do anything but blink. I wanted to scream in exasperation.

  He’s missing the point completely.

  I took a deep breath. “My love,” I began, keeping the irritation out of my voice. “Being able to help people who feel voiceless take on industry giants makes me happy and makes me feel like my best self. I feel fulfilled by helping people in that way.”

  “And I feel fulfilled by taking care of the woman I love.” He moved across the bed until he was directly in front of me. He sat down, feet flat on the floor and legs on either side of mine, and looked up into my eyes. “I just wanted to make it clear that I’m here for you. I wanted you to know that I’m not going anywhere and that you can depend on me.”

  Although I tried to stay firm, I melted. “I know and I love you for it,” I whispered, resisting the urge to touch him. “But think about this: if I told you that the label isn’t respecting you and you should leave them. And once you leave, you couldn’t release any more music until you got another deal—but don’t worry because I know you’ll get another deal from somewhere else soon. In the meantime, I’ll take care of you. How would you feel?”

  Silence settled around us. The seconds ticked by as we held each other’s gaze. With his chiseled jaw locked and his full lips in a straight line, his face gave nothing away. But the way his grey eyes burned into me, I felt my resolve weakening. The storminess I saw in them mimicked the turbulence within me.

  Stay strong. He’s getting it. He has to get it.

  My mind raced as seconds turned to minutes because I knew Julian not understanding that one fundamental thing about me would be a huge obstacle for us to overcome.

  Possibly insurmountable.

  I pushed the thought out of my head, not allowing it to settle.

  “I feel the same way about my work as you do yours.” My voice was soft and shaky as I further explained. “You wouldn’t be you without music. I wouldn’t be me without law and I’m scared I’m going to lose myself if I am not working.”

/>   I’m scared I’m going to be so consumed by what I already feel that I’m going to lose myself.

  The words I couldn’t quite say added to the silence and I felt stifled by it. He looked away from me as if he could read my thoughts and he, too, was stifled by it.

  The moment I felt his fingertips on the outside of my knees traveling upward, my entire body reacted and a sigh escaped my lips. He stood, not letting his fingers leave the outskirts of my body until he had a firm grip on my rounded hips.

  We were close, but the only parts of our bodies that touched were where his fingers gripped the waistband of my shorts. The raw attraction between us held me hostage as he quietly looked me over. The love I felt for him overshadowed the argument, the misunderstanding, and everything else. Just being around him was intoxicating.

  Consciously, I knew Julian needed to hear that his words, whether he meant it like I took it or not, dredged up a fear in me. He needed to hear that even though I wanted to have his children, of the two of us, the pregnancy impacted my life more significantly. He needed to know I was scared.

  Subconsciously, my body reacted to Julian’s closeness as if nothing mattered but him. My emotions spiraled out of control whenever he looked at me with that heady combination of love, lust and reverence.

  When his hands slid across my hips and rested on my lower back, I couldn’t help that my back arched into him. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, inhaling his scent.

  I wasn’t sure if he pulled me into him or if I naturally gravitated to his warmth, but when my cheek rested on his bare chest, tears burned behind my eyes.

  “Zoe, look at me,” Julian demanded. He waited until they opened before he rested his forehead against mine. “I just wanted to take you to Italy while it was still safe for you to fly. I wanted to spend those moments together, just the two of us, before it became the three of us. I wasn’t trying to be dismissive of your career, but I’m sorry it came across like that.” His hands slipped under the tank top I wore and he rubbed my back. “I get it now. I didn’t at first, but I see where you’re coming from and I get it. I’m sorry.”

  “Thank you,” I murmured weepily. Relief forced a tear from my eyes so I buried my face into his chest. I squeezed him, digging my fingers into his skin. “I’m sorry I’m so emotional. I know you meant well, and I want the same things you want. The Italy trip sounds amazing. You are a blessing and I love you so much.” I let out a little cry-laugh. “I’m seriously losing it.”

  “It’s okay, Zoe.” He kissed the top of my head. “You don’t have to be strong all the time.”

  He pulled away from me and cradled my face in his hands. The gentleness of his touch caused a rattling in my chest. My emotions were all over the place and I knew if I’d opened my eyes, the tears would fall. Swallowing hard, I leaned into the palm of his hand and the words just tumbled out of my mouth.

  “I’m scared,” I admitted so quietly I wasn’t sure he heard me.

  “Look at me,” he ordered coarsely.

  My lashes fluttered open until our eyes locked.

  “Do you think I’m not scared?” Julian’s eyebrows furrowed as he gaped.

  I didn’t know how to answer the question so I remained quiet. I knew it wasn’t something we’d planned, but he’d been so sure and so ready. I assumed he was completely unafraid of this huge life changing event that was going to happen to us. He had an answer and a solution for anything.

  He’s been so great about everything. Whenever we’ve talked about the baby, he’s been so prepared.

  I searched his face. “You’ve been like super-dad for the last two weeks.”

  “That was for you!” Julian’s voice elevated as he let my face go. He moved around me and started pacing across the room. “That was for you, Zoe. I’m scared shitless.”

  My mouth opened and closed a couple of times before I choked out a single word. “What?”

  “This wasn’t my plan! This isn’t how I was expecting things to go down. Marrying you as soon as possible, that was part of my plan. I’ve been holding on to that ring, counting the days until New Year’s Eve because that’s when I was going to ask. That was my plan! But a baby? I wasn’t planning on that. I wasn’t planning on being a dad so soon—” He stopped in his tracks. His chest rose and fell at a rapid pace as he ran his hands down his face. Letting out a deep breath, he looked at me apologetically.

  “Oh thank God,” I breathed before he could say another word. I put my hand to my chest. “I’ve been trying to push the fear down because you were so ready. I thought any doubts or fears I had made me a bad mother.” I sat on the bed and grabbed my pillow, hugging it. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  His breathing seemed to return to normal as he watched me from the other side of the room. “Because the moment the test said you were pregnant you freaked the fuck out.” He walked back to the bed and sat beside me. “I’m your man. I’m supposed to be here for you and protect you. If I told you I was scared…” He shrugged with a shake of the head. “I couldn’t afford to be scared because I saw in your eyes that you were terrified. The weekend you took the pregnancy test, you didn’t want to talk about it…and then you spent the next week obsessing over it.”

  I let my head fall into the pillow that was clutched to my chest. My muffled groan was loud and mournful.

  I thought I was doing a better job of keeping it together. I should’ve known he could see through me and because he saw me internally freaking out, he didn’t feel like he could tell me his fears.

  Julian wrapped his hand around my wrists and then pulled me close to him, tossing the pillow to the side. “Hey, come here.”

  I crawled into the space between his legs. “I’m scared of how huge this is, but more than that, I’m scared of how much I’d be willing to sacrifice for our family. I freaked out about the whole work comment because for the last two weeks, being your wife and the mother of our baby has been the only thing I can think about. The only time I thought about work was in relation to the contracts for the wedding.” I put my head on his shoulder. “I love being a lawyer, but being your wife and the mother of our child are so much more important to me. And that scares me because I don’t want to lose being an attorney because it’s one of the things that has defined me my entire life.”

  “I understand.” His arms tightened around me and I melted into him. Julian’s mouth was against the shell of my ear as he spoke. “I was going to give up my tour for you and the baby and the moment the words came out of my mouth, I panicked.”

  My eyebrows flew up. “You did?”

  “Hell yeah!” He kissed my neck and then moved his head, forcing us to make eye contact again. “I didn’t even think about it before the words just came out, and I meant it when I said it. It was automatic. I don’t know how to explain it, but giving up the tour for you, for us, was my only option and I was ready to do it. But then, when you told me I couldn’t bail on the tour because the contracts were already in place, I felt two things. I felt relief. I hate to say it, but I was relieved that I didn’t have to give up the tour. I also felt thankful that I fell in love with a strong woman.”

  “Really?” I looked at him in awe, a deeper, stronger appreciation for him resonating in my spirit. “That makes me feel so much better because when I saw your willingness to give up the tour to be here for me, I felt like a selfishly horrible mother for wondering how our careers would be affected and thinking about how I didn’t want to derail my plans.” I shook my head slowly. “Our lives are going to change, our priorities are going to change and that’s scary. I love that you’re so strong. I love that you take such good care of me. But if you’re scared too, you can always talk to me about it. We will just be scared together and we’ll get through it, together, because that’s what marriage is all about: having that one person that will always have your back.”

  The corners of his mouth turned upward, a smirk developing. “Our lives are changing. Our priorities are changing.”

 
; I nodded. “And I don’t know what to expect. I’m scared of the unknown, but the only thing I know for certain is how much I love you, how much I want this life with you and how much I want to create this family with you. That scares me because if I had to choose between all of that and my career, I’d choose you and our family every single time. I just don’t want to lose me because I’m so consumed in us.”

  “I know what you mean. My schedule will change and my commitments outside of L.A. will decrease, but for me to do what I do, I have to meet artists where they are. I need to tour to promote albums. I need to be mobile.” Bringing his forehead to mine, he stared into my eyes, peering into the depths of my soul. “But, little by little, it won’t matter, because my entire world will center on you. And that’s scary because if I don’t create sounds, if I don’t write lyrics, if I don’t make music, I’m not me.”

  My heart hurt at the thought of that. “You would be miserable if that happened. I don’t want that for you. I don’t want you to give up that part of you. I got to know you through that part of you. I wouldn’t let you sacrifice your music. It’s who you are and I love you way too much for that to happen.”

  Julian’s lips grazed mine, sending chills through my body. “And I love you way too much for that to happen. Your dream is my dream for you. I don’t want you to give up law. I don’t want you to have to choose.” He kissed me again, but this time, it was shorter. He pulled back, pushing loose tendrils of hair away from my face. “So we figure out how we handle it all.”

  “But our family comes first,” I stated definitively as my fingers brushed against his warm skin. “Always.”

  “Always and forever. We will coordinate our schedules to make sure we are still following our dreams, but our priority is always each other—”

  “And our child.”

  “Our family.”

  My heart fluttered as our lips met again. “I’m glad we talked this out. I hate when we fight,” I murmured against him.